Holy Toast Batman

What the ?

Where to begin, the idea started around the farce that was michael Jackson's trial. I logged on to the BBC News site to find a story entitled " Jackson's face 'appears on toast' ".

One Michael Jackson fan promised: "This is a wonderful memento of this historic day that you will cherish for years to come."

So I did some researching into novelty toast and discovered there were loads of religious based food stuffs such as the Jesus chapatti, Jesus fish stick and my favorite the Virgin Mary toasted cheese sandwich, also from the BBC News web site.

This is Diane Duyser, Diane is obviously mental. Look at the eyes. The poor demented old bastard getting all moist over a toasted cheese sandwich depicting Mary. But she has every right to be happy and damp around the gusset as this Einstein in drag look alike sold her toast to an internet casino for $28,000.

Sitting on the throne I got to thinking, if God talked to these mentals through the medium of toast then would he and the little baby Jesus talk to me through Tesco value white bread?

My name is Ewan Loughlin and this is my story of how I tried to prove the existence of God and the little baby Jesus using toast.

Annoying people please read this -
Before I begin, if at any point of reading this you want to moan or winge or God forbid email me about wasting food, millions starving and so on and so forth your time and energy would be better spend visiting The Hunger site where you click and give free food to hungry people paid for by site sponsors. Aww... doesn't that just give you a warm fuzzy feeling glow inside.

Research

I researched a few loafs before deciding on the Tesco Value range loaf. I tried 5 different loafs in total. It seems all the lower priced loafs were 25p in Sainsburys, Tesco, Morrisons and Aldi. With the most expensive loaf I tried weighing in at a whopping 69p (giggle).

When I first hatched this plan basic loafs were 16p, I planned to get 100 loafs and toast the shit out of em. By the time I got everything sorted there had been a massive 9p price hike. So I decided to spend £10 for ease as £25 is just a bit more than I want to spend... even for science. 40 loafs will be plenty.

To be fair all the budget loafs were pretty much the same but i decided to go for the Tesco value loafs over Sainsburys purely because they don't have that fat tongued freak Jamie Oliver in their ads.... Take note Sainsburys.

The Chosen Loaf, I'll have another 39 please shop keep.

Shopping

After falling flat on my face as I tried to glide into Tesco's on the trolley I'm sure more than one security camera was trained on me. But for this experiment I felt I should continue... Bruises and all.

Shopping... Not enough loafs though

Everyone is looking

La la la, Yes.. I like bread, you got a problem.

Posing, still 4 loafs short though.

Loading up the conveyor belt.

You can't see they wee guy serving at the till, but he's a
gypsy...

.. he charged me for 38 loafs and there were only 36...

36 bagged loafs...

..and I managed to get this about to go off loaf for 20p

Loading the loafs into my mummy's car...

Should have taken my car its got a boot bigger than a
shoe box....

so now you know a corsa can accommodate 36 loafs,
See at least you learned something reading this ...

Quick trip to the 24hr ASDA and I'm still 1 loaf short of
target, so 39 loafs it is.

Ta da, a bread pyramid

And again

More Bread..

Are you seeing a pattern here ?

These are the 3 ASDA loafs I managed to get cheaply because they were off. Bargain

Now that's ASDA price.

The manky Tesco loaf

The Next day

I awoke feeling well rested, refreshed and happy , I was sure that that today would be the day the little baby Jesus and his dad would speak to me through my Tesco Value loafs. I came down stairs to find my doughy pyramid in ruins, Ifeel with hindsight sight that this was an omen of what was to come in the day ahead.

Now for the facts and figures
I bought 40 loafs of bread, 42 if you include the two phantom loafs the Tesco gypsy sold me, but we won't coz he stole my money.... grr

So at an average of 23 slices per loaf (including outsiders) that makes a total of 920 slices of bread, that's 920 chances for god to say hi.

I enlisted the help of Karen who was fully briefed on the experiment and what we were looking for. She also helped by lending me her 4 slice cool wall thick and thin toaster.... Niiiice.

So it begins, I was running 3 toasters -

• Swan 4 slice cool wall thick and thin toaster
• Pacific 4 slice toaster
• The Philips "Toastlisimo" 2 slice fire waiting to happen toaster - Saved from the bin the month before

The 4 Slice Swan cleaned out and ready...

14:00 hours - It begins

The first slice...

Lovin the bread

The Pacific and Toastlisimo are pressed into service, predictably the Toastlisimo smells like burning.
For those fact seekers out there the fastest toaster out of the 3 is the Toastlisimo with the slowest being the Pacific, just goes to show you your gran is right and they just don't make things like they used to.

The dog eating crumbs already

I AM A TOASTING GODDD.....

The might Pacific in action

I burnt my finger taking this pic so its going in

Toasty toast...

This black thing came from the manky Tesco loaf, it didn't look like the baby Jesus so I put it in the bin.

14:15 - Hard decision

An executive decision was taken on my part to stop using the pacific. It was a hard decision to make. As you can see see it creates striped toast at all heat settings, 1 right through to 6.

Striped toast isn't conducive to messages from up on high.

I had tickets to see Ross Noble at the Kings so time was tight, I called my sister and left a message on the answering machine for her to contact me.

14:14 - There is no God

We were getting bored now with God being a no show and all. So to pass the time between the toaster pops I decided to move all the loafs into the kitchen. 15 loafs in a oneie there..... who's the daddy.

didn't drop one...

In an attempt to get things moving a bit quicker, Karen fired up the grill.

It made crap toast so we stopped.

The smallest slice of bread in the world.... I think so.

Toast

The smallest slice of bread is now the smallest slice of toast.
See, see, bask in its tiny glory.

Checking for heavenly messages

14:35 - Nowt happening

Tesco Value bread is 10cm wide and 11cm height. Fact.

and 1cm thick....

Still bored and toasting like.... well...
Toasting like a pair of plums with lots of bread.

Bread is hard to stack.... If you don't believe me...
try it yourself.

14:40 - Oor Sis comes good

At last, a phone call from my sis sees me spring into action, I'm heading round to get her toaster, Ooo I hope its a four slicer. Told you I had a proper sized car.

Being informed I'm a "fanny" and if i break it i replace it.

Yippie, its a 1980's 4 slice toaster. Another swan.

15:20 - I am the top trumps champ

"Fuck you Graham" my victory cry after a monster game of top trumps.

Its going nowhere fast :(

Chilling out, relaxing and maxing and playing some b'ball out side of the school....

Crumbs..

Sigh..... more bloody toast.

Each slice was closely checked by both of us.

Rotated though 360 degrees.

..turned over..

and rotated 360 degrees again.

15:37 - Nine loafs down

The toast storage crate is getting full with 33 loafs still to go..

discarded "non blessed" toast

Stacking the toast.

My toasting throne.

pile is still hooge.

The kitchen is getting really hot now, that with the boredom sees me dancing like a twat.

I'll clean up later... honest.

Getting there....

The 4 slice swan has started over heating, so is running at about half of its capacity.

Shawetty windows

The crate is getting full.....

The crate is full... what ever could I do with several hundred slices of toast.... Hmmmm

The back garden is nice and empty....

I can smell toast about 15-20 feet from the house.

La la la....

17:23 - Off to toaster heaven

You can see in this pic the shamed Pacific toaster, its died. It is no more.

Do do do, la la la.

The trusty little Toastlisimo

So much fookin bread

My bed of toast

I love toast me...

Mine,MINE.. ALL MINE....

17:50 - Last slice and he's a happy chappie

This is a crude attempt of mine to create the face of the virgin mary one toast.
I think it worked quite well.

The house was a state, crumbs every where, even had to give the dog a good shake outside.

Ready for the bin.

Cleannninnnn...

All that crummy goodness.... Holy crumbs?

R.I.P pacific....

Waste of bloody plastic.

So what does someone who's spent 4 hours making toast do with it all....?

They take their picture with it of course.

I shoulda been a toast model. "Eat more toast"

This one is available as a wallpaper.... Big headed... Moi... never
[ 1024x768 ] [ 800x600 ]

Special thanks to Karen and her toasting expertise.

Look at all my toast...

You wouldn't think it but toast is slippy...

18:00 - The disposal

Wait I hear you cry, did the baby Jesus, God or any other deity contact you through the toast. I will come to that in my conclusion. Patience.

Wheelie bin is about 1/3 full..

1st bin bag of toast slips in easy

2nd bin bag..

Hmmm, what to do, what to do....

thinking....

Still thinking....

Jump on it, that's the answer.

Toast 613 slices of toast squashed by my own blubbery bulk.

In Conclusion

Over a 4 hour period we managed to toast 621 slices of toast, out of those 3 had something interesting on them. We got a camel, a hippo and a happy face... Thanks a lot Jesus.. bloody no show, that's the last time i ever think about mibbies going to church.

Face

Hippo

Camel / Dog

So from this experiment I have surmised that If the baby Jesus and God exist that they don't want to contact me through toast.

Which is fair enough I suppos.......

You like ants? Blood? Who doesn't... Have a look see at my human blood experiment.